Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Can you tell if you're a sex addict?

OMG, it's yet another bunch of fucked-up self-denying Christian wackos who are going to (stop me if you've heard this before) Stamp Out Porn: the XXXChurch.com.

Gasp. ~yawn~

What brought this to my attention is that Matt Hasselbeck, the Seahawk extraordinaire has joined up with this group of dum-dums. They're going to stamp out porn by... um... the power of good thoughts and clean living, as near as I can tell. They're against sex before marriage, homosexuality, and the usual laundry list of perversions, personal habits, and so on. And it's all the Internet's fault, too! And liberals! And post-modernism!! We need more fundamentalist Christianity to combat these loose morals!! BY GOD, LET REAGAN BE REAGAN!!!!!!

You know, as I write this, I realized that there's a real "white knuckle" feeling to the website. There's a definite problem in some people with an unhealthy addiction to Internet porn and so on, but I'm thinking they're busy trying to repress the thought that they're horny because they're not getting laid at home and they don't know what to do with all that energy. But 'tain't Christian somehow, so it's eeeee-villl. You know, Utah is the state with the most online porn subscriptions, so if there's any connection to be drawn between religiosity and porn, it seems to be that the more uptight you are, the more you're likely to buy porn. But hey, that's just me.

These folks at XXXChurch.com have even thoughtfully provided a Sexual Addiction test. You should consider taking it, because, then you'd like, uh, know. The only problem is that the test is utter flaming horseshit. I've grabbed some of my favorite questions (they're all Yes/No) and put down answers. You may be able to spot the problem with their test right away.

3. Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts?
A. Of course; I'm male.

9. Are any of your sexual activities against the law?
A. Probably, but anti-oral sex laws are still on the books in many primitive states, like Georgia. I'm smart enough so that I don't have to live there.

11. Do you hide some of your sexual behaviors from others?
A. "Um, no, gee, I feel perfectly comfortable randomly jerking off in front of strangers when the mood takes me." [What a stupid question!]

13. Have you felt degraded by your sexual behaviors?
A. Just the ones where I wanted to be.

15. Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire?
A. (See #3.)

19. Has sex (or romantic fantasies) been a way for you to escape your problems?
A. Yes, just like EVERYONE ELSE. Getting laid or a good wank is a wonderful stress relief and who hasn't done that at some point?

24. I have purchased services online for erotic purposes (sites for dating, pornography, fantasy and friend finder).
A. I met and married The Babe because I was on dating sites.

28. I have subscribed to or regularly purchased or rented sexually explicit materials (magazines, videos, books or online pornography).
A. Yes, I used to buy Penthouse Letters regularly in the late 80s. Which I didn't read for the articles, I'll tell yuh! And???

29. I have been sexual with minors.
A. When I was one, although truth be told I liked older women then, too.

42. I have cruised public restrooms, rest areas or parks looking for sex with strangers.
A. Not really, but do bars and music events count?

44. My sexual behavior has put me at risk for arrest for lewd conduct or public indecency.
A. Not frequently, but it sure is fun when you get a little daring sometimes.

45. I have been paid for sex.
A. If someone was willing to have sex with me, I'd gladly give it away for free. Why throw a stupid obstacle in the way of getting laid?

This is all just a variation on abstinence-only education, which is another colossally stupid idea. We have 2000 years of experimental data to prove that this doesn't work, so I wish they'd come up with something new. But if they were bright enough to come up with something new, they'd probably be bright enough to see their own bullshit. I don't think they qualify.
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1 comment:

Eldo Klugg said...

John,
Your answer to #3 above is incorrect. It should be "Of course, I'm human"

Cheers,
Ed