I love and am proud of all three of my stepkids, but Susan is just winning all the cool points right now. Here's her latest ad:
A friend of mine recently blogged about how Craigslist is God's answering machine. He said that if you ask Craigslist for what you want, it will deliver it to you, as though God personally reads each post and delivers what it is each person is asking for.
So, I'm going to write this ad as though that statement is true.
Hey Fella! How's the weather in Heaven? Let me guess - 72 degrees and sunny with low humidity, and conditions are predicted to remain the same clear through the rest of eternity. Gosh, it must be nice to live in Heaven.
I know You already know this, being omniscient and omnipotent, but I'll go ahead and tell You anyway: I am writing to You because I want to meet a man who is compatible with me and create a romantic connection with him. I am open to both short and long term relationships, but I am not open to causal encounters or one night stands. Like I said, I want to make an actual connection.
When You created me, You made me tall (5'10") and strong. You gave me brown hair and blue-green eyes. You gave me a talent for sports and a love for people and animals. You also made me intelligent, confident and assertive. I appreciate all these things, and I take care of the gifts You've given me - my body and my mind - by regularly exercising, eating healthy, working two jobs and attending school.
But You also gave me some traits that I find puzzling. For example, You made me in such a way that I don't really believe in You. I am open to the idea that there is some higher power or deeper understanding out there in the Universe, but I don't really buy into the Holy Book thing. I don't think You'd really care if we ate pork, or if we married people of the same gender, or if we didn't pray to the East five times a day. That seems a little petty for a being as all-encompassing as Yourself.
Additionally, You put into me traits that quite a few people find disturbing. I don't particularly care for children, and don't want to date someone who has or wants to have children. Don't get me wrong, God - children are great. It's just that, personally, I don't want to have any and I don't want to be a parental figure.
You put in me a steadfast belief that honesty really is the best policy. I am honest to the point where I sometimes make people uncomfortable. I am honest about sex. I enjoy sex and I enjoy talking and learning about it. I am honest about emotions. I often tell the people I love that I love them, and I don't hide or disguise my emotions for the sake of someone else's comfort. I am honest about my opinions, which has earned me the label of "outspoken" and sometimes "bitchy." A lot of people say that they want honesty, but I have found that many of them are not strong enough to handle it.
You failed to include any sense of shame or embarrassment in me. Instead, You gave me the courage to love myself. I'm a loud person. I LOVE to laugh, and You gave me the wit to make sure there's always an opportunity to do so. I am proud of my accomplishments and totally comfortable in my skin.
Perhaps to make up for all these things, You gave me a deep and abiding desire to make people happy. I express my opinions clearly, but I try not to do it in such a way that it makes other people feel like I am putting them down. I think that everyone, everywhere, wants the same thing: to be happy. We're all in this together, and it doesn't make sense to put down your fellow human so that you can feel better about yourself. Putting down other people only ruins someone else's day and diminishes your personal dignity. When I console a friend, or return a lost cell phone, or help someone find their way - that is when I am happiest.
So there it is, God. This is me, Your child, leaving a message on your answering machine, asking You to deliver to me a man who sees all of these things about me and wants to know more. I hope that, like me, he has a passion for physical activity, intellectual inquiry, understanding and compassion, self-love, and laughter.
P.S. I hope You don't get too offended by the whole "I don't believe in you" part!