As a "Northerner" living in the South this is what I have noticed that there are 4 seasons: Hunting Season, Fishing Season, Mosquito Season and Hurricane Season.
If you are going to live or visit in the South, you need to know these rules:
That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive you're going to get dust on your Navigator.
The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.
We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for -- bait.
Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.
No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened -- add a lot of water.
You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.
Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat (yeah,even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.
We don't do "hurry up" well.
Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.
Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 85 goes two ways Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.
Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of wheat- go to Kansas. That would be I-40 west.
The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.
So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators -and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.
That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot -- his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.
We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.
You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all four of them -- enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.
No, we don't care how you do things up North. If it is so great up there why not visit a Northern state or stay there. And no, down here, we don't have an accent, you do.
And, for Northerners moving South:
In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya"
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.
The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or big'ol" boy.
Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin' " is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mommas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway
The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.
The North has double last names, the South has double first names.
The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.
The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, the South has crawdads.
Y'all have a lovely weekend.
Rules for Visiting the South
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