I've been feeling a little sorry for myself lately. I'm really happy with the Babe and I've got plenty of work at the moment--probably too much when you stir in things like the new house and the STC Board of Directors and all--and the kitties are all healthy even if they're getting old, it's just that been a lot of little things, really: annoyance that I should've gotten divorced in 1986 rather than 1995 (and saved myself an incredible amount of money), losing touch with wonderful people who I would've liked to bring forward into my life, having friends and cats die, and the general malaise brought about by watching the theo-cons turn America into Amurrka and destroy the world in the process. A lot of this is doubtless the feeling of 50 coming on hard and fast and thinking about the continuing risks to my health as a diabetic, but I do think about all the things I might still like to do and how much more I could accomplish if I didn't have to sleep (and how I'd still never manage everything I wanted to do). I think there's also a sense of disappointment that I actually must sleep a reasonable amount these days. I recall in my heyday 15-20 years ago how I'd be able to work two fulltime gigs at once and work vast quantities of hours and generate huge piles of money that somehow would always get spent. Damn.
What I just realized this evening out of all of this moping around is that this is what kids are for. Susan came home and we were talking and I was cooking potatoes O'Brien and bacon and eggs for us and I realized that when people talk about kids being their future and so on, it's knowing that there are children to try the things that I didn't have time for or couldn't get to that gives one a great deal of comfort. Yes, they have their own lives and they'll do whatever they're interested in pursuing, but it's an odd connectedness into the future that makes me feel good.
I don't think that this is going to come as any news to anyone who actually has children already, but it's quite a surprise to me. It's certainly gotten me out of my funk and given me a sense of satisfaction that there will be things taken care of after I'm gone. I'm not sorry that I didn't have kids of my own--though I would really have liked to see what they'd have been like, I have to say--but I am incredibly thankful that I have great stepkids now so I can experience first-hand the true joys of parenting.