Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Dear dogs and cats....

Dear Dogs and Cats:
  • When I say "Move!" it means to go someplace else, not just to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
  • The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
  • The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
  • Please note: placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
  • The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
  • Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
  • Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
  • I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed.
  • I am very sorry about this.
  • Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
  • Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
  • It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
  • I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
  • For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
  • If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.
  • I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years; canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
  • The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt! I cannot stress this enough.
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

RULES FOR NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS
  1. They live here. You don't.
  2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'niture.)
  3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
  4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn't speak clearly.

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5 comments:

Emma Hamer said...

John, this is priceless. I may have to plagiarize your "rules for non-pet owners". Especially the "that's why thy call it 'fur'niture... Brilliant.

John Hedtke said...

Okay, let me be clear here: I didn't write this myself. I'm just reposting it. Original credit goes to I have no idea whom.

But it's damn funny, I agree. And really helpful if one has a pretty long-haired cat named, oh, Mr. Fuzzy Feet.

Luke McGuff said...

Very funny, I laughed a few times.

Hank said...

They missed a couple:

Why, no, I don't want to smell your butt.

If you must expel a furball, it's not necessary to do it where I'm likely to step on it barefoot in the morning. Somewhere I can see it and notice it BEFORE stepping on it would be fine.

Karen said...

Too funny! We have had many of these conversations with the ferrets, also.

I especially like your last point to non-pet owners. Our crew are our furkids.

The cat, who considers us more staff than adoptive parents, seems to try to make up for not speaking clearly with speaking a lot. I'm pretty sure she thinks we have the communication problem.